You’ll have to excuse my over month-long absence from this place. You see sometimes I get sad about my job and this falls by the wayside.
It’s been a sad month. But not without its fair share of strange happenings. Let’s start with yesterday. I rarely bring food to work because of a combination of the fact that I just never leave myself enough time and that I’m never hungry when I leave and there’s no possible way I could be hungry six hours from that time. While on break I another collector offered me a Michelina’s frozen dinner. While I wasn’t particularly excited about Lasagna Alfredo with Broccoli, I was hungry. So I pulled one of the corners up to let the container vent and set the microwave for three and a half minutes. As per the directions. I walked away from the microwave for a grand total of forty seconds and returned to see smoke pouring out of the microwave. (And the collector who gave me the damn thing sitting four feet away completely oblivious.)
Fire alarms are very loud and that’s a very nice thing except for the fact that when they are triggered in these buildings they can only be turned off by the fire department which means during a non-emergency everyone at the plaza has to go about their business with their ears bleeding. Through the grace of god (or lots of open windows and doors) we managed to not set the alarm off and proceeded to carry the microwave outside and when the smoke subsided the damage was revealed:
It cooked slightly unevenly.
Forty seconds and about of a third of the paper was charred.
So go out to your local supermarket and pick up some of that new Explosive Lasagna Alfredo with Broccoli from Michelina’s. I should have probably taken information off of the package and contacted Michelina’s but really I’m just glad I’ll never be introduced as the guy who set the toll building on fire.
A few days ago I noticed a large SUV from Illinois coming through my lane. Inside were quite a few large black women. The license plate on the vehicle? PUDDIN
Another collector decided it would be a good idea to bring a bird to work. Whatever the reason, the bird was successful in pissing me off during my breaks.
“So you’re back in school?”
“Nope”
“Decided not to go back?”
“Graduated”
“…and you’re STILL here?”
“RECEIPT! Why do you have to fucking ask everyone in this state for a fucking receipt??”
Granted, he didn’t say a word to me up until that point to indicate that he wanted one so I probably should have known. I’m such a bad collector.
“You’re too young to be doing this boring ass job” and “Do your parents know you’re working late?” did a pretty good job in making my blood boil.
I witnessed my first live sobriety test while at work. He was doing pretty good with the standing in place stuff but once he got to the heel-toe part he got pretty wobbly and failed. It was fun and exciting for us. Probably not so much for him.
Think about the demographic attending a wine festival. Now tell me if you expect it to sound like “HEY WHERE DA WINE FESTIVAL AT??”
I’ll break this off with one final question for you.
When did the monsters from Where the Wild Things Are start moonlighting as baptists?
/really excited for that movie.
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Now playing: Minus The Bear – Houston, We Have Uh-Oh
via FoxyTunes
