I’m listening to Electric Light Orchestra.   You see, it’s not that I like Electric Light Orchestra.  To be honest, I don’t know a goddamn thing about Electric Light Orchestra.   It’s just that at my job we run this commercial advertising some classic rock collection (40 dollars for 8 discs so it must be a great deal) all the damn time and they have this one song from the Electric Light Orchestra that catches my attention all morning and I’m finally getting around to investigating.  I don’t think I like them but I’m going to keep listening.  I don’t know what to make of myself right now.  Get off my case, aight?

Annnywaayy, back in the old toll collection days, jokers used to pull up to my little toll booth and  ask me “HEY DO YOU FEEL SAFE IN THERE??” I usually shrugged it off and tried not to think about the hundreds of opportunities that multiple tons of  steel could take my ass out with one false move on the part of a driver looking for that last penny.   Well, check this out. Luckily, the driver and collector made it out with relatively minor injuries.  I spent a ton of time at a barrier pretty similar to this one about an hour away from Buffalo and it’s incredible how dangerous a seemingly mundane job can get in just a few seconds.   In that second, the neon safety vest and the countless hours of sleeping through OSHA-mandated safety videos won’t do you any good.  That’s your ass.  (Aside- After working an overnight, I fell asleep during the safety videos one year at the annual all day party known as toll-training day.  Luckily, I fell asleep on the shoulder of a wonderful co-worker who decided not to wake me up. )

Ouch.

 

With all the distracted drivers I encountered, I’m sad to say that it’s surprising this doesn’t happen more.  In the end, I’m glad that I made it out alive and no one had to eulogize me and my unspectacular and disappointing career by saying, “Vincent died doing what he loved, collecting tolls, taking money directly from the  mouths of hardworking Western New Yorkers without so much as a smile.”  (It’s not that I’m always mad, I’m just self-conscious about my smile, I promise.)

It’s not like I’m that much safer in New York City.  In fact, I’m probably less so.  One crazed hobo on my 4:38 morning train into Manhattan and they’re talking about how “Vincent just loved sliding those breaks, hour upon hour of monotonous, mind-numbing simplicity.”  Or the uplifting message we received from HR today telling us that midtown has tall buildings and lots of snow and ice is falling off of them.  SO WATCH YOUR ASS KID.  Thanks guys, I’ll just walk down the sidewalk terrified and face up from now on.   I’m quickly learning the less you think about sometimes, the better off you’ll be, especially in a place like New York City.

Seriously though, there is a reason that I came here and I need some help.  I’ve been meaning to throw this out there for a while but I keep  putting it off.  For those of you that know me, what do I like?  What do I talk about?  Do I talk about anything?  What am I interested in?  Do I actually show an interest in anything?

I know these seem like very self-reflective questions that I should be able to answer myself but I’ve been finding them very problematic.  Outside of, and arguably even during work, I’ve been incredibly unfocused.  I’m not terribly interested in what I’m doing these days but in the past, I’ve always been open to learning and trying new things.  Recently though, it’s been like pulling teeth.  I’ve been attributing it to disinterest but is that all that’s really at play here?  Even during downtime hours, I have the hardest time doing anything constructive.  Even coming here to write about this disconnect has taken far too long.

Every time I run down my internal laundry list of ‘interests’ I usually respond to myself with a whole lot of ‘meh.’  It’s getting a whole lot of frustrating.

I need something to do.  Hell if I know what though.  And I’m starting to feel like time is slipping away.  You still feel young, but I don’t want to wake up one day looking back at things I didn’t do.  Problem is, I don’t know what these things are and I’m scared that by the time I figure out what they are, too much time will have passed.

So what’s my problem?  Just jump in and try something right?  Something is holding me back.  And I don’t like it.  I’ve always been proud of being an un-medicated American youth who sucks it up and pushes through the bullshit but this lack of focus and ambition is killing me.  Is there a drug for that?

Of course there is.

Doesn’t mean I want it though.

I think I like Electric Light Orchestra.  I sure hope they aren’t my gateway into classic rock.  I don’t want to like classic rock.  Please don’t make me like classic rock.